School:

When I was in eighth grade I did something called home-instruction. That is where instead of me going to school I have teachers come to my house and teach me. Well this is what  I am doing it again. So far I have been out for three months, and boy has it been stressful. I left school because I was missing a ton of school because mornings have been hard which has caused me to miss a ton of school work. So, it was decided that I take some time to make it all up. Well its been stressful. Now that I am almost caught up I will be able to go back soon. The set date is February 3rd and I am so excited! Being home all day can get really boring and I miss all of my friends. I have a meeting this Tuesday about going back to school. When I get back I will be going back partial day. I am very excited to see my friends and to get back in a classroom. These three months have been crazy and just lonely and I am ready! I have a meeting tomorrow with the guidance department and some of my teachers to figure out a schedule and to answer some questions so, it will be easier for me to get back. I have two weeks left and I have been counting down the days! Hopefully my meeting will make my transition back less stressful and I can definitely assure you that my next few post will be about meetings and getting back to school! Thanks you all again for your support! Have a wonderful week!

Decisions Decisions:

Well 2014 is going to be starting off with making yet another decision. I am so not excited about this, and as I explained in my last post just down below, decisions want to make me crawl back into my hole. I always get overwhelmed by making these decisions. The tears start to come, I get stressed and upset and I usually just break down. At my last doctors visit, my doctor told me that I still gained another 4 pounds and growing taller. I thought well that's good right!? Well she said that it's okay but, she still might be worried I have inflammation in my lower intestines. Which to sum it up means no good. So, she said I would go into the hospital and instead of getting yet another endoscopy, I would swallow a tiny pill with a camera on it, and wear a box around my side. As the pill goes through it take hundreds of pictures. I find that fascinating yet still pretty gross. Either way I am still very happy that it will save me from not eating for a whole 24 hours and going under anesthesia. So that's step number one. Step number two is changing my treatments around, and this is where I start to breakdown. I was given a choice. Choice number one: I get to keep continuing Enteral therapy but, up the amount of intake. I was told that for 2 weeks out of an 8 week time period I could only do formula. That means not being able to eat anything for those two weeks and only drinking clear liquids again. Choice number two: Go back on medications. I have three different choices of medication that she gave me. One of them is through injection and an IV and the other two are pills. Now I know what your thinking, continue the Enteral therapy because you already know it works. Well after writing a Pro and Con list i'm not so sure. I remember when I first started with the enteral therapy I got really sick because it was just strictly liquids. I'm afraid that at the beginning of every 2 weeks I have to go through I will get sick like that. Also having to deal with it in school. It was hard enough in middle school but high school! I would really rather not. Also it really is just a pain. With medication you go into the the hospital and sit for two hours with a needle every two weeks, to fours weeks, to eight weeks, or just take a pill and be done! I wouldn't have to worry about not eating or the stress of walking around high school with that backpack and my pump running during the whole day. But with medication there are also the harmful side effects which I hate. So, I am absolutely stuck on what to do, hopefully we will set up another doctors appointment to discuss all of this craziness. I hate feeling lost and stressed and hopefully after this decision is made maybe some weight will be lifted off my shoulders.

Hard.

Looking at old pictures is hard. Seeing how thin I was and how sick I was. It's hard seeing yourself like that. Having a tube in your nose for seven months with the stares you get that make you so frickin insecure its crazy. The I wish thoughts that flooded my mind when I was in public. The word I can describe this whole experience is hard. When I would cry with my mom and she would tell me that things would get better. But, sometimes it seemed things were never going to get better. The stares, the side whispers, the questions, and the looks that you knew exactly what they were thinking when you saw their faces: Freak. It broke me. I was in a hole and the more I tried to climb out the more I was getting buried deeper. All of this has made me who I am today. The harsh looks and comments broke me but when I put the pieces together again I was stronger then ever. The looks the meant nothing anymore as long as I held my head high. I soon got better after 40 pounds now and still going strong. But when I have to make another decision it feels like i'm back in that hole. Sometimes I want to stay there and ignore the rest of the world and my responsibilities but that cant happen. As a 15 year old girl I never imagined having to worry about this stuff, about medications or treatments. I just want to be that 15 year old girl who can worry about school and work and friends and the latest gossip. These things are silly but when you have bigger things to worry about you wish you didn't have to. But, going through this whole experience has made me stronger. It's made me who I am today. Even though I wish I didn't have this sickness or disease, I realized that wishing wasn't going to get me anywhere. You just have to stand up be strong and climb your way out of that hole. I just wanted to take a second to thank everyone who has helped me climb out of the hole that I was getting buried in. It really means a lot. So thank you for giving me the courage and support to keep my head held high and the strength to keep going.